she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
