before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
