You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
