why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
