clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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