He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I'm gonna have a badass scar
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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