Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
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