So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
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