Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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