I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
