I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
