I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
