I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
