My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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