My sheets look like a crime scene.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
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