i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
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