Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
