I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
