if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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