She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
