So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize