He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
