Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
