I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
