Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
