Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
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