How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
