I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
