Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
