Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
