Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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