I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
