And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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