I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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