my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
