its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
i've created a new STD.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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