So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I'm having to shit out rocks
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
