Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
