I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
i think i just lost a toe
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
