all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
