just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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