1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I came so hard my ears popped.
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