i would punch a child for taco bell
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
