i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
