1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
