so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
