Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
