So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
