It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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