just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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