i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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