soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
