We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Randomize
