You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
no you cant smoke seaweed
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Randomize
