I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
What did we do last night that was yellow?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
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