Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
