I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize