How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
