Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
