A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
