I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
wow bdsm is so cute
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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