New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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