Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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