My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
